If the idea of sharing your sexual fantasies makes your palms sweaty and your heart beat out of your chest, you’re not alone. Talking about sex is a vulnerable practice and sharing sexual fantasies is arguably the most vulnerable conversation we can have.
People worry about their fantasies being weird or abnormal. They may worry that their lover will judge or shame them. I get it—it’s a topic that requires bravery and courage, plus a partner that can hold a safe space for you to share your desires.
Fantasies are an aspect of sex that can bring aliveness, play and excitement to your relationship and bedroom experiences. And, in the same breath, it’s a conversation that a lot of lovers shy away from because they don’t know how to broach the subject.
Here I’ll share some steps for approaching the topic with embodied confidence.
Embrace your sexual fantasies
Fantasies are a natural part of being a sexual human being. The brain is our biggest sexual organ, and for most women, sexual desire starts between our ears, with the brain! Let your fantasies fuel your arousal. It’s normal and healthy to have sexual fantasies. From desiring a threesome with two men, to being kidnapped and tied up, to having group sex or exploring BDSM, there are no limits to sexual fantasies.
Move past your own mental blocks
It’s likely your mind is telling you all the reasons not to tell your partner, and this is likely due to the fear of being rejected, judged or shamed.
It’s up to you to do the work to move past your own blocks. Focus on the part of you that feels really empowered to speak up about your sexual fantasies, the part of you that is leaning into more vulnerability. That takes balls, so be proud of yourself! Who inside of you can help you have this conversation? Your empowered woman/man, the Goddess/God within you, the sexual Queen/King? Embody THAT energy before you have the conversation.
Decide if this is a personal thing or a shared thing
Just because you have one (or many) sexual fantasies, it doesn’t mean you want them all to happen. You may get off on the idea of having a threesome with your lover, but in reality, you would hate to see your partner with someone else. Or you may get off on the idea of group sex, but if that really happened, your nervous system would freak out. It can be helpful to understand if this is a you thing or a shared thing. Not every sexual fantasy needs to be shared or outwardly explored. It can just stay as an internal thing. If you don’t really know, start with baby steps, like openly communicating that you’re not really sure what to do with this yet, but you’d like to share.
Other possible baby steps:
Watching porn with your partner that shows your fantasy and asking your partner how they feel about it or if they would ever be into something like that.
Asking them to center their dirty talk around your sexual fantasy
Considering the first step to playing out that fantasy and seeing if your partner is open to that. See how that feels in your body.
Talk about playing out the scene with your partner: how it would look, where you would do it, who with, what with, etc. Ask questions like, how does that make you feel? Is this something you would be interested in exploring?
Just talking to your partner about your fantasy and not even playing it out can be a really helpful practice for you both and can cultivate closeness or sexiness. Even a little foreplay, depending on how it goes!
Reassure your partner there is no time pressure
If you’ve told your partner you want to play out a fantasy, it’s also important to reassure them that there is no pressure to do it right away, or ever! Remember they have their boundaries as well, and are entitled to sharing their no with you.
Be sure they know that they can sit with it for as long as they like, and it’s perfectly fine if they aren’t ready or will never want to do it. If they do share that this is something they don’t want to do, don’t make yourself wrong for having that desire—you’re still normal, still sexy and still wanted!
On the flipside, you may find that your fantasy is one that your partner has also thought about and has wanted to try with you. It can also be a really great time to ask them if they have any fantasies that they would like to share with you. Vulnerability is the quickest way to deepen your relationship, and this certainly is a moment of vulnerability.
But... what if my sexual fantasy is dark, abusive or taboo?
Discussions on rape, coercion and consent are ahead. Skip to the final section if this feels upsetting for you.
Everyone’s definition of dark, abusive or taboo will vary. For some people, BDSM could be seen as dark, or hard spanking could be abusive. No matter what your specific fantasy is, if you’re feeling conflicted about sharing this with your partner, let me share something with you.
What you see in mainstream pop culture is usually quite ‘vanilla’ which means being aroused by anything outside of this may make you feel like your fantasy is wrong or abnormal. Sexual fantasies can be rather complex.
I’m going to discuss rape fantasies for a moment here, so feel free to skip this if you need to.
Rape fantasies are incredibly common. In a 2009 study in the Journal of Sex Research, 62% of 355 women aged 18 and over reported having had at least one rape fantasy. People who have these fantasies don’t actually desire to be raped in real life, but rather enjoy the idea of giving up or taking control, not necessarily to harm someone without their consent or be harmed without consent but to explore some form of power exchange. They could be the type of person who is always putting others’ needs before their own, so they desire to have sex without tending to someone else’s pleasure or needs, reclaiming a sense of freedom of responsibility. But like I said, sexual fantasies are complex, and reasons for a certain sexual fantasy can differ from person to person.
Let me be very clear here. You should never act on anything without receiving explicit consent from everyone involved. Make sure everyone understands the limits and exactly how you want things to play out.
Sexual fantasies are a fun, exciting and empowering way to explore parts of your sexual self. It may take some courage to begin a conversation about them, but if you go in with an open mind, self-assurance and courage, you never know where it may take you.
No matter the outcome, allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of your partner will show strength, and that alone is worth it. If you bring up this topic with your partner, remember, that’s something to be proud of!
If you want to explore more about sexual fantasies you can watch videos and how-to guides in The Classroom by Melissa Vranjes.
Certified holistic sex coach, sex educator and creator of The Classroom by Melissa Vranjes, a monthly holistic sex ed membership for better sex, relationships and intimacy. She teaches women how to feel sexually liberated, with a focus on embodiment, confidence and practical tools to support themselves. Melissa’s work regularly appears in publications including Grazia, Fashion Quarterly NZ, Body & Soul, Women’s Health and YahooLifestyle.