When it comes to asking for more in sex, let’s break it down into 3 areas.
- Deserving element – self worth
- Understanding what is underneath the moreness – what are you craving? Connection, pleasure play, exploration, presence?
- Communicating with your partner
Start with Self-Worth
When you first realise that you want more in your relationship or sexual experiences there can be a lot of shut down (from yourself), reasoning why you shouldn’t want more…for example, but they cook dinner every night how could I ask for more in the bedroom, but they have such a good heart, am I being demanding. So if you are in this place I want you to step into worthiness and deserving energy. I want you fully embody that if you have a desire you are worthy of having that met. I’m going to say that again, if you have a desire you are worthy of having that met. Any stories or narratives or old beliefs or any story that comes up and keeps you small see it, love it, thank it for showing up and being here AND continue walking forward. Keep moving, keep heading in the right direction. You are worthy of so many incredible things and the longer you keep yourself small only believing that you deserve what you’re given, the longer you will live in longing, in desiring.
Ask Yourself, “What am I truly craving?”
Understand what’s underneath the moreness, is there a desire for more connection, pleasure, exploration, presence, hotness, sexiness..what is there? This piece is important because then you can communicate this to your lover. If you don’t know what you want it’s going to be hard to move forward from that. You will feel stuck and if communicated to your partner you’ll both end up stuck and one trying to fix the other and it turning into a bit of a mess. Figure this out on your own, take a moment in meditation to ask your pussy or body, what is underneath this, what do you really want, what are you longing for? Journal about it, have a 1 off session with a mentor or coach about it. Get super clear what it is you really want.
Communication, this is the fun part. Where you combine the two – self-worth and knowing that you deserve to have more in the bedroom with crystal clear communication – knowing exactly what it is that you are wanting. I talk about the 3 T’s and the 3 C’s regularly because it is a practice that has changed my freakin life in so many ways.
The 3 T’s – time, turf and tone.
- Time – what is the best time of day to have this conversation, likely not at the end of the day, probably morning or weekend or lunchtime
- Turf – what is the best place to have this conversation, I always talk to clients about creating a safe and sacred mutual space that feels comfortable for both of you. You may even want to go to the beach or out in nature or in a space that feels nurturing for you both.
- Tone – watching your tone is equally as important as the language you use. Think about speaking from your heart, and not using a tone that is blaming or making anything wrong about the situation. You’re not changing your voice but rather speaking from a deeper place within your body.
The 3 C’s – clear, concise, consistency
- Clear – get really clear with what you want to say, what you want, the outcome you are hoping for, what you desire, how you see you both moving through this etc. Get really clear on what you desire and communicate that with clarity.
- Concise – don’t fluff it up, keep it concise with what you are feeling, what you need, what happened etc, get straight to the point. If your lover is a male-bodied one then they will appreciate this type of communication.
- Consistency – Keep having conversations to stay engaged with the situation, if it doesn’t completely iron out in the first conversation that’s ok you can chat about it again, let things simmer and then come back to them. Also, stay consistent with your communication, don’t let things sweep under the rug and build up, that’s when big fights can happen and things get blown out of proportion. Talk about things when you feel like they are there.
There you have it, 3 steps to asking for more in sex. You’ve got some homework to do first before having that conversation and I can almost guarantee that that alone will help you in your journey to asking for what you want in the bedroom.
Let your desires power you up, let them something that excites you, fuels you, feeds you, loves you. You’re allowed more, you deserve more and there is more to go around just waiting for you.
Take it slow and really feel into each of these steps, bring your partner along for the ride when it feels right, perhaps you even ask them a similar question, have you desired anything in our sex life? Is there anything you want more of in our relationship? This can be a really great question to ask. Hold space for your partner to share without butting in and making it right or wrong, hold space, listen and let them share as well.
I’m excited for you! Good luck and feel free to drop me a DM on Instagram about how you get on.