What To Do With Lack of Desire

“I feel like we’re just flatmates”

I was on a call with a woman last week when she said these exact words to me.

Words that I used myself last year when I felt like desire had been lost in my relationship.

We went through a time where passion wasn’t alive and it felt like we were just taking the bins out, cleaning the house and both going to work. Ya feel me? 

I remember sitting on the couch thinking…..“Holy sh*t, it feels like we’re flatmates, what’s happened here?”

What had happened was we were focusing on everything BUT our relationship. We were doing the exact opposite of watering our garden and instead, coming home making dinner and watching Netflix…hehe guilty!

When I called this out we started making some changes and went back to being sexy lovers 

I thought I would share a few of the things that brought back desire in case you’re in a similar situation right now. Don’t panic, not all hope is lost!


  • Have a conversation and speak about the elephant in the room.

  • Share vulnerably about what is going on for the both of you - share what's on your heart and how this situation makes you feel.

  • Listen and be open to receiving your partners emotions and experiences.

Make Time

  • Get out your calendars and block out time to connect *without* your phones and other distractions.
  • Side note, don't make it in the evening after you've both been working or mothering. Think weekends or days off.
  • Find a length of time that feels really exciting and nourishing, not overwhelming and draining.

Date Nights

  • Plan date nights together once a month, fortnight or week. Don't let this put more pressure on your schedule. 
  • Alternate between who organises it or put in your requests for what you desire. 
  • Vary your date nights. They don't always have to be dinner, sacred practices or champagne. Get out in nature, hire an Airbnb for the night, spoil yourselves, get spicy!

Don't Panic!

  • There's no need to put a 'meaning' on the disconnect, just accept it and move forward. 
  • By adding stress to the situation, it will only get you more stuck in your head.

Have FUN!

Life can get so methodological sometimes, so bring spontaneity back into your relationship and say YES to things, even if you're a little tired.

Check out my Instagram post on this here for an easy to save resource to refer back to.

Moral of the story – if you put work into your relationships they’ll be satisfying. 

Much love, Melissa x

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