(A piece written for Body + Soul)
Are your sexual encounters not living up to their potential?
Certified holistic sex coach Melissa Vranjes tells Body+Soul that tapping into your pleasure zone can be as simple as reconnecting with yourself (or your partner). Here are five ways to unlock your capacity for ecstasy.
There’s more to unlocking female pleasure than sexy techniques. In reality, the best way to feel connected and embodied pleasure requires some homework, or “home play,” as I like to call it.
It isn’t hard, but it does require some time, patience and willing candidates. The benefits are certainly worth it, and the potential for increased pleasure is limitless.
Communication is paramount
Confidently communicating your needs and desires in the bedroom is the key to any satisfying sexual experience or long-lasting relationship. Your voice is the gateway to having your sexual needs met by another.
How do you ask for what you want without hurting your partner’s feelings? Use language that keeps the flow going and gives your lover direction, like, “I love it when you go slow – it gives my body more time to open up”, or “I feel really turned on when you grab my legs – can you do that again?”
But this kind of dialogue is a two-way street, so also be open to listening to your partner’s wants.
Good vaginal health is vital for pleasurable experiences
Most of us have experienced some kind of itch, rash, redness or worry down there, and it’s fair to say that it can evoke feelings of discomfort and shame. Understanding what your vagina needs – before and after sex – will make your sexual experiences more enjoyable and pleasurable.
Use condoms and take a shower post-sex with a calming, pH-balancing cleanser such as Kolorex Vaginal Care Wash.
Invest in your pleasure
It can be hard to know where to start and what to do when it comes to unlocking your sexual desires, which is why I recommend investing in a course so that you have a starting point and a clear road map.
There are many educators and courses out there, so do some research and see what resonates with you and your pleasure goals.
Get to know your body
When you know what turns you on, you can start creating more context for those things to happen and removing any factors that turn you off. When you start exploring what excites you, think about your five basic senses – what you hear, see, touch, taste and smell – and add your imagination (the brain is our biggest sex organ, after all).
Before self-pleasuring, create a sensory experience by lighting a candle, such as the floral-scented Golden Hour by After Six. If you know that an unlocked door inhibits your turn-on, lock it.
Clear your head (in order to please your body)
Breath, focus and movement are my favourite ways to get into the body. Your breath is your sexual pump and can help move sexual energy and pleasure around your body.
Take deep belly breaths and track your breath. Use your mind to focus on where you’re experiencing sensations such as tingles, flutters or excitement, and then move your body. Pleasure likes to flow and shift around, so rock the hips, circle the torso and let your intuition guide your movements.
4 ways to manage mismatched libidos
For the record, most couples will have some discrepancy in their libidos – especially long-term couples who are past the “honeymoon” stage.
It’s very unlikely that two people will be so perfectly matched that they will never, ever, have a difference in their desire for sex. However, if this discrepancy persists over time, here are a few first steps to take.
Schedule in sexI know this sounds unsexy, but it works and can build up the anticipation throughout the week/day.
Explore each other's desires and turn-offs
This is a great way to open up communication around what you both long for and want in the bedroom.
Talk about your feelings
Share how you both feel about what’s happening – what is it like to be the one initiating and what is it like to be the one saying no?
Redefine successful sex
Intercourse and orgasms are choices, not requirements, for successful lovemaking. What makes sex successful for you both? Focus more on intimacy rather than “doing it.”
View piece via Body + Soul